Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Fear


Allan and I found the old game cube and we have been playing Mario Party. He beats me in every single game. But it's still fun. We finally started playing as a team. Hey, if you can't beat em join em, right? A little brother-sister bonding.

My diabetes was steroid induced and since I'm off those little monsters now...it is gone!! I don't take shots anymore. I only have to check my blood sugar twice a day for one week. I'm so thankful. It's amazing how when you have to do something; it just becomes a part of your routine. However; I have no problem removing it from the schedule. Again, my love and prayers go out to those whose case isn't temporary.

I started feeling better and I wrote this long blog about how excited I was to be on the lowest dose of magnesium (in my fluids) I'd been on and feeling the best I've felt in a long while. The next day I ended up getting labs drawn in the East Valley and poor results landed me an afternoon appt. downtown. Then that appointment landed me a transfusion the next morning. I was disappointed, angry, and frustrated. I had already had "my last transfusion"! They think the Cyclosporine is doing the same thing the Tacrolimus did-eating my red blood cells. The doctors said I shouldn't consider it a step back. It was still disappointing. I'm feeling better after the infusion.

This is totally random, but I had McDonalds. Yes, you read that right. A mighty kids meal to be exact; chicken nuggets and french fries. My Mom went inside and explained the situation and they made them fresh. The employee who helped her was wonderful. Her boyfriends brother had recently had a transplant. I think getting approval was most likely a lapse in the consistency of the isolation rules, but hey, I took advantage of it.

I have gotten so much positive feedback on the website! Thank you so much. We are planning the Oprah e-mail attack for September. I'll continue to update you on the progress.

Each day of this fight has been different. Each day I've learned something new, felt a different pain, worried, and felt a happiness that's unfathomable. Not only is this a physical battle; it's an emotional battle and a spiritual battle. I have never once doubted that I would get better. The time line I'm clueless too, but I believe it; there's going to be a day. Well, this week I began to question whether it was God's will to heal me. I'm doing so well, why would this doubt come out now? The doubt was like a mosquito that was going to bite me one way or another. For a week, I let it try, swatting it away constantly. But a few days ago, I unraveled. I was sobbing. I was beyond scared. My heart ached. Well, here's what I came up with: God wants to heal me. Growing in my faith I've realized my walk with God is about finding my truth in Him; not someone else's. I believe it is His will to heal me. I can't live my life afraid of MDS returning. Life is full of risks. To let fear mask the remarkable beauty isn't living. John 14:27 "...Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."


7 comments:

  1. Ceci: You are a great inspiration to me as well as many others also. The mountains and valleys of life are much like the physical mountains and valleys of this great country. Without the one there wouldn't be the other. Each has it's own beauty but sometimes we have to slow down and get down on our hands and knees looking close to find that beauty, especially in the dry arid valleys. That is the way it is with the valleys in our lives. Just remember the lower the valley the higher the mountain top!Getting to the top does require time, effort, help and encouragement. I know your family and friends are there for the long haul if need be. I also know God cares deeply for you. You will make it to the mountain top but the timing and circumstances are in God's hands.
    May God continue to Bless You!! joe

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, Ceci! You have me in tears! You are so unbelievably amazing and strong and good-hearted and faithful and inspiring...and I could go on and on! If we could only have more people in this world like you and with your mindset. I know you have times when you're down, you have every reason to, but the important thing is that you always get back up and regain your strength--physically, emotionally, and spirtually. You don't know how many times I've been complaining about something, and I think of you, and it's such a humbling feeling, because if you can be positive in and through your situation, I can be positive in mine. So, thank you for making me strive to be a better person. I love you. Jena Belle

    ReplyDelete
  3. I can't even put my thoughts into words right now. But all I know is after reading each one of your blogs I can't even begin to think how you have continued to amaze me and stay so strong. This is a lot for you to handle and you take it so well and along the way your faith grows and grows and grows! I want to tell you that I will always be here for you because that is the least I can do for a bestfriend as special as you. I love you so much

    ReplyDelete
  4. Today in StuCo, we had to write down what we thought the key to success was. I thought of you and the way you are always positive and can do what is thought to be impossible or out of reach because you always surround yourself with positivity. We also talked about how everything happens for a reason, and although it may not seem like it, you are where you are because it's where you're meant to be. That doesn't really make sense; it definitely could have been said clearer, but my brain is all mushed. One thing I can say pretty darn tootin' clear is I love you more than I love traingles and I continue to shoot my prayers to do like a potato gun shoots, well, potatoes.
    Love always and dearly,
    Karissa

    ReplyDelete
  5. You are amazing, Ceci! You should be so proud of how far you've come and how strong you've been in the process. God is certainly proud of you I'm sure! Sure you have a meltdown here or there, but it wouldn't be healthy if you didn't. You have been so positive and I can see how you have grown in your faith and grown closer to your family in the process. You have such a story to share and will glorify HIM in the journey! I know you are feeling ill right now, and you are in our prayers tonight. You'll be home soon! Hang in there! Love you! Heather Driggers

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh, Ceci, I hear you are in the hospital with a high fever! I hurt for you. When I told Jena you were in the hospital, she got a distant look on her face--- she said she was laying in bed last night, praying for you and then felt compelled to get out of bed and get on her knees to pray for you some more, but didn't know why-----now we know why. I am soooooo glad you are a fighter and a climber. We are behind you pushing and praying! We love you!!! Kathy & Rexie

    ReplyDelete
  7. You constantly inspire both of us. We are so sorry to hear about you being in the hospital, but we know yo are in good hands. We are better people because we know and love you. We believe in past, current and future miracles and believe each day is one step closer to your healing. Hugs from WA! Richard and Tamara

    ReplyDelete