The Road Not Taken

I’ve been really overwhelmed with things lately. My battle with GVHD has only just begun. I got news that I would be on Cyclosporine for at least another year. As we sat down with the doctors, I held back tears, “When would this end?”. I tried to hide my dissatisfaction as they poked at me with questions, “What’s going on with you? , What do you think?, What do you want to do next?”. My answers were far from my usually bubbly and facetious personality.

We continued to talk about a few things I wanted: to go to Hawaii (Broviac not included), to visit Allan, and more freedoms. We changed my nightly fluid schedule to every other day with increased amount of magnesium. The simplicity of being able to lay in bed not connected to fluids is wonderful. It makes me happy. However; in order to do so, I  have to drink 60 ounces a day (something I never felt motivated to do). I reminded the doctors if I could have Starbucks, I would be more likely to reach my goal. They approved! I’ve had four this week. They also said I could go to a Bible Study with some friends as long as I wear my mask.

I was supposed to go see Allan this weekend. However; Ryan introduced me to the magnificent sport of golf. He golfed ten holes while I drove the cart and kept score. I ended up golfing three holes as well. I was shocked at how much I enjoyed it. I also had more energy than expected. I would follow him to the green, hit a few balls on the driving range, and decided for extra exercise I would do lunges back to the cart. Looking back, the idea about the lunges puzzles me, but I felt so cheerful. I wasn’t feeling quite so energetic the next day, and decided I would be pushing my body too much to take a trip.

It was a gorgeous day at the golf course.

Another new thing for me; I decided I wanted to exercise more. The only restrictions the doctors had were that I don’t do anything to bother my Broviac or get my heart beating too quickly. Besides that, exercising is encouraged. It is good for my muscles, bones, and both my physical and emotional well being. One night I did five crunches and lifted two pound dumbbells. At first, I was angry, because two years ago, I could do 250 crunches a night. But I realized; I have to start looking forward. Looking at the past and what was normal only makes me angry; it doesn’t change anything. Normalcy is relative anyways. For now, my normal is two pound dumbbells, and I am choosing to embrace that. Well, trying at least.

Finally, my big news. I have been thinking, praying, and crying over what to do with school for a few months now. I am eager to share that I will be getting my GED. As much as I will miss my “high school experience” I am ready to move forward.I’ve already been invited to prom (Chelsea, I accept) and the universities I will be applying to into 2012 all accept the GED. Thankfully with the education I've received I have a good foundation to build on.

I know getting a GED isn’t usually encouraged, but for me, it feels right.  It is still strange to me, because high school wasn’t a fantasy of mine as a little girl; it was an expectation. In spite of that expectation, I am learning that everyone takes their own path. Like Robert Frost so eloquently wrote, “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”