Sunday, May 16, 2010

Let's Get Real

You assume that once you have the actual transplant the hard part is over. Boy, they were spot on with the saying about where assuming gets you. I guess the physical part has been much easier and near painless compared to what transplant was like, but the emotional battle continues to worsen. And that is putting it mildly.

I wasn’t going to update. I didn’t know what to say…how I felt seemed too harsh and boring, but again I realized even if it’s just me complaining; it’s honest; something I’ve tried to hold true too. It almost feels too vulnerable to confess some of these emotions.

It’s been a very hard weekend; probably one of the hardest yet. Let’s just put it this way, yesterday, I resorted to having two bowls of ice cream. It’s slow and dreary. Some days I feel like I wake up and live the same twenty-four hours over again. My time consists of eating, drinking, and taking medication.

Last week, I really focused my attention on packing my Mom to leave for graduation. My energy went into planning and getting her ready, but once she left I had no choice but to focus on my own problems. There was no escape. I wake up at 2 in the morning some nights and have a small (or large) pity party for myself. I know deep down that I am not stuck, but it sure feels that way the majority of the time. My future is bright, but the present appears very dim from where I stand. Everyone is in this whirlwind of growing up and changing, summer vacation, and the future and it feels like someone pressed the slow motion button on mine. And of course; steroids intensify all of my emotions. I have to keep that in mind. This feeling is temporary and so is this phase. I am so very grateful for that.

I’ve walked around with this sad look on my face. My puffy cheeks emphasize my tired eyes and pouty expressions. I haven’t even been attempting to laugh at things I really don’t find funny. (Like my Dad’s “mabel bacon” joke, sorry Pops, that one is just not funny.) My smile is seen scarcely and usually when I’m huddled over food or working on Ceci’s Climb.

I came to a breaking point this morning. I started crying and screaming. My fists were pounding my pillows. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I’m confused and struck with severe boredom of the routine I’ve fallen into. I’m in need of a change of pace and a healthier alternative than consuming calories to lift my spirits. Thankfully, God always seems to remind me it is coming. I want share a quote that did indeed make me smile:

“God helps us to do what we can, and endure what we must, even in the darkest hours. But more, He wants to teach us that there are no rainbows without storm clouds and there are no diamonds without heavy pressure and enormous heat!”-W.T. Purkiser

I love rainbows and diamonds…I know that.

On a sillier note (yes, I still have those on occasion) I also love music. I've been listening to this song by Martina McBride called "Wrong Baby Wrong Baby Wrong" (I'm a country fan). I've decided to look at MDS like an ex-boyfriend. I'm not sure why, I think it might have something to do with the fact that more people sing songs about boys than transplants, but regardless, it's a fun song. Here's a few of the lyrics: “Come on now. Everyone falls down. Everyone crawls now and then, then they get up again. You cry if you want to. That’s what we all do, but if you think you’ll never move on, you’re wrong baby."

But like the title of this post, let's get real, it's all about the climb.

6 comments:

  1. Ceci, thanks for your honesty. I am soooo glad you shared. I checked this morning and there was no update and I was very disappointed....I felt like things were not going well. Now we know how to pray. Emotional battles are horrible; thanks for trusting us enough to share. I cannot imagine being so confined at MY age, let alone yours.....however, I cannot imagine handling ALL this as well as YOU have even at my age-----YOU have done so well!!! You are certainly entitled to a pity party. I like the words to your song---you do a great job of finding "something" to make people smile during tough times. I think your quote was very fitting, too! God is with you and helping you to keep climbing!!! Much love, Rexie & Kathy

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  2. hey there car I love you!! You are the bravest strongest girl I have ever met. I cant even imagine what your feeling but all I know is that i can just tell you are stronger than this. Everytime I see you driving by waving from your window or i get a text from you you make my day! I wish I could be beside you to hold your hand but I know i am just going to have to wait but until then I am trying my hardest to let you know I am always here for you whenever you need me. I love you soooo much keep climbing! love you

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  3. Heather DriggersMay 17, 2010 at 11:30 PM

    You've been on my mind so much and I know today was another hard day for you. Hang in there! Hoping the insulin gets you stabilized very soon!

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  4. Hey there! I am a friend of Casey's and I am just reading this blog and praying for you and your spirit! I love the idea of thinking of the MDS as an ex-boyfriend. We all have them and many of them we'd like to forget.... if this is still the case then use another song when this is over.... Kelly Clarkson Since You've Been Gone as she says 'But since you been gone
    I can breathe for the first time
    I'm so movin' on, yeah, yeah
    Thanks to you, now I get, I get what I want
    Since you been gone'. Once this climb is over I believe that you will have what you want. Peace and happiness like no other. I wish you only the best in your climb. I will keep you in my thoughts and wish you much luck!
    Love,
    Abby May

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  5. Dear Ceci,

    Thanks for sharing with us and reminding us that you are normal. Your feelings are normal and you have climbed so high. None of us can really truly understand all you are going through, no matter how hard we try. Sometimes just pounding the pillow, yelling, screaming, crying, typing, verbalizing in one way or another helps us heal. A friend send me this quote this morning. When I first read it my thought was, "I need to share this with Ceci."

    "We all have life storms--times in our lives that are extremely sad, scary, angry. And instead of just suffering through them, and then afterwards just sitting, crying and waiting to be wiped out by the next one, we should celebrate together that we got through. And when the next one comes along, work through...and celebrate again." Mattie Stepanek (died at 13--muscular dystrophy; wrote 2 New York Times bestsellers)

    Please never forget that you are helping all of us more than you ever realize. We are kinder, more patient, want to turn to God more because of you. All of these trials are not in vain and God remembers even every tear. Someday we will all UNDERSTAND, but until then we have the FAITH and make the small steps and continue the climb. Hugs from WA! Richard and Tamara

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  6. Yesterday, the electricity flickered in Arnett; therefore, messing up my clock. I reset the time, but I forgot to reset my alarm. So at midnight, my radio alarm goes off, and guess what song is playing? "The Climb!" I was a little disillusioned at first, but then I thought, "How perfect!" So at midnight Oklahoma time, another prayer (one of very many that I had said throughout the entire day) was said for you.

    Today was the last day of school for K-6th grade. The 6th graders and I were taking a fun, little quiz before the awards assembly, and one of the questions was, "Who is the most beautiful person on the inside that you know?" Hannah Grace and I both answered Ceci Christenson. Another question was, "Who do you admire most?" Once again, we both said that you were the person that we thought was the most admirable. So you have a 12 year-old and a 24 year-old, both whose lives you have touched and been an inspiration to.

    Keep climbing, Ceci. Cry, be mad, scream.(I know I would.) All of those are very understandable and expected emotions. God loves us no matter what we're feeling. But throughout the crying and the screaming, keep climbing as well! You mean more to me than words can say!

    Love ya,
    Jena

    P.S. I'm glad you got to see me at graduation;)

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