Monday, April 19, 2010

Digging into Food & Emotion

There is so much inside my little (bald) head. Thoughts constantly streaming, but not collected enough to write them down. I have struggled. The only way I can think of explaining how I feel is that something separated me from everything I know. Nothing feels right. I feel so far away from myself, yet strangely closer to who I want to be. It's like every time I see a glimmer of the beautiful road I will soon embark on something steps right in my path. I can smile and say I feel good. I can cry and say I feel bad, but it doesn't go away. It's strange, frustrating, foreign and heartbreaking. It's confusing and hard. People ask me to blog and how I feel, but I struggle to write anything down. I don't know how I feel and that makes it difficult to tell you. But afterwards I always feel excited that I could slow my head down long enough to write. Here's what came out today..

Steroids make me hungry. When I heard about this symptom I thought it would be no big deal. So, I'd be hungry. But it is embarrassing. I would go into further detail, but I need to go eat. No, just kidding. I've always been relatively good about portion control. I love to eat on and off medication, but I have never craved food like this. Not only am I hungry, but my sodium and glucose levels have been fluctuating. I'm supposed to stay away from a lot of dairy, sugar, and salt. What in the world does that leave? Pasta? Thank goodness my levels balanced out this week- I can just eat. Steroids aren't know just for the munchies. They have a lovely list of side affects including mood changes, acne, and puffiness. Hopefully, we'll skirt those issues. The plan is to remove them as soon as possible. And that's not just my plan. In this particular situation I happen to be on the same page as the doctors.

The "plan" is to taper steroids by 5mg a day as long as my liver enzymes are decreasing. Once we reach 25mg we will remain there for at least 4-7 days. From there, we will taper according to the Tacro and levels. We had to increase my Tacro today because we haven't reached a therapeutic level. I asked them why it was so important to add this medicine immediately. They informed me that as we do with any problem we add various medications. We conquer the problem immediately.

I still haven't processed the thought of not going to Allan's graduation. It's back there, but I'll worry about it when I get there. I haven't heard yes, but I certainly haven't heard no. The doctors have come into my life like new parents. And at sixteen that's not exactly the ideal situation. Five more adults telling you what you can and more specifically cannot do.

Yet, I'm holding on to hope. Trying to find something to make me happy. Working on Ceci's Climb seems to provide the most joy. It's something I so look forward too. And since the restrictions were reinforced it seems to be the best thing to do from my couch (look out for the website coming soon). Oh, and theres always world studies. I did some laundry today. I read my Bible and pray for strength and that itself seems to help. And last, wearing my clothes! I look forward to any opportunity to wear them. It's liberating to wear pants without drawstrings (aka sweats).

Okay, now I have to go get something to eat. And this time I'm not kidding.


  1. I never met you and am not even exactly sure how I started reading your blog. But, I really do look forward to reading it and more important what you write. You are an amazing young woman going through something so difficult I can not even imagine at your young age. I do pray for you and want you to know you are an inspiration to me. I am 58, soon to br 59, and have had my share of troubles in my life. At times I am very discouraged. You make me realize how blessed I am and to count the many blessings I have. Stay strong Ceci--

  2. I love food too!!! Have you eaten lots of pancakes? Well at least they have a "plan" and I am sure you have already made a schedule that has coordinated to this certain plan. I can't wait to see the website! That is cool you have something to work on. Oh Ya don't you just love that world history! Its great stuff...NOT! But if you need help let me know. You are reading about a girl who only missed 5 on her last test. Well I wouldn't be the best teacher because I know you with your perfect scores :) Love you cec!

  3. Dear Ceci, What an inspiration you are to all of us. With my new calling as Relief Society president in our Church (responsible for the 150 women in my Church unit), my time is limited. However, I do look forward to your posts and feeling the strength from your blog. You open our eyes, help us to count blessings, and give all of us HOPE. God does have a plan for each of us. Someday we will totally understand that. . . . .but for now we go one step at a time and have FAITH as we walk into the darkness. You will never know how you are touching so many. Please feel HUGE HUGS from WA! Love, Richard and Tamara

  4. We are 83 and 76 years old and we read your blog each time it changes. We have read it from the beginning. We Love your blog,smile,attitude, kindness to others,humor,Faith,Ceci's Climb,good shock absorbers to your bumps in the road. So all things considered you are a really great person and we love you sooooooooooooooo much. P.S if we missed any of your attributes we will add them on our next comments!!!!!!!!

  5. You crack me up darling :)I'm glad you have a plan! I know how organized you like to be :) I'm so excited to see more Ceci's Climb! Don't forget to ask your VP if you ever need help :) We keep praying for you in this Sorensen Household! I love you lots and lots and lots and did I mention lots?

  6. You know, Ceci, the outside of your little head is just sooooooo cute!!! And the inside.....I think so many of us(probably gals, especially)understand exactly what you wrote----thanks for putting it into words! I am so glad you have a "plan" and that your 5 doctors are determined to be conquerors!!! Honestly, I hadn't let myself think about Allan's graduation(big sigh)---I wish so badly for you to be here, too, for Allan as well as for yourself and as well as for all your Arnett fans!!!!! Lots of people read your blog on a regular basis. You have touched so many lives. You are such an encouragement! Much love, Kathy & Rexie

  7. You expressed yourself beautifully. I like to write, too, and I know what you mean about not even knowing where to start sometimes. But once you start it sure does feel great to get it all out! Thank you, Carolyn, for sharing so much of yourself with so many. You really blessed me today with your blog, and I look forward to reading your updates each time you post them. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you and stop whatever I'm doing to say a little prayer. God is doing an amazing work through you! Stay strong, keep focused and keep on blogging! Love, Jennie Curletta