Sunday, March 28, 2010

Let's be Honest

I've never understood the saying "drowning your sorrows away". Not until tonight that is. I had my headphones in, pajamas on, and oreos on the counter. I dunked those suckers 'til MDS and Phoenix Childrens seemed like a distant memory. No, I only wish. But I did eat the oreos and milk. And believe me, they were good. The thing I've learned about fighting a disease is that you can't let it get the best of you. It seems like it keeps you away from boys and drama (a daddy's dream come true), far from the mall and driving (Mom's relieved). But as I've learned these past twelve months it's a family's nightmare. Each time you walk through the hospital doors the memories flood black. It was a very rough week. I was going to be the first patient at PCH to remain out-patient; or so that was the goal. Instead, I was hooked up, poked, prodded, and tested. Each time the nurse grabbed my arm to check a blood pressure I'd grit my teeth and hold back the wise comment. I'd flash a fake smile when someone asked me how I felt. And I cried when I thought no one was looking.

I'm sixteen and I want to be out in the world. But yet I sit inside the hospital doors playing twenty-one questions about how I feel. Every question I'm asked either tears well up inside or I hold back a sarcastic comment. My face was constantly tearstained and I felt like someone was ripping me to pieces. I felt lost, angry, scared, mean, nervous, anxious, unsure, blessed, thankful, and fragile. In a single moment I could feel all of those emotions and all I could do was pray. Sometimes all you can do is pray.


  1. Ceci, do you know what I thought of as I read this? You're actually human. I had begun to wonder. Your positive attitude and inspiration have blown us all away throughout the last year. You had every emotion possible going on simultaneously and remember have every right to feel the way you're feeling. You have had the fight of your life and you're entitled to get frustrated and angry and sarcastic and all of the other things that most of us do on a regular basis. We're just not use to you doing it because you're amazing. Go easy on yourself. You have earned the right to feel all of those things and more. And this too shall pass my dear. Its a bump in the road on a much bigger Climb. You have your cry and you get grumpy all you like. That beautiful smile and spirit will be shining on all of us before you know it. Keep the faith my friend and I will pray for a better week for you. Love, Kindra

  2. Oh dear Ceci, Thanks for sharing. Our hearts ache with yours over the continued challenges, the frustrations, the anger, and all those feelings that are so normal and challenging. One of our dear Church leaders one time commented that if we all had our prayers answered in the ways we wanted that there would be no sick people, very few challenges, etc. And yet. . . . . .the questions are pondered, "What are we still to learn? Is not a year enough learning?" We are so grateful that PRAYER is such an important part of your life. As I review my life, I know that so many times PRAYER and FAITH plus the SUPPORT of family and friends were the only things that got me through the most difficult times. A week ago when we were in Arizona, we were able to attend the Mesa Temple and once again put your name on the prayer roll. I returned home late last Thursday night and one hour after my return, our bishop (leader of our Church congregation) called me to be the Relief Society President (To work with the 146 women in our congregation). Late last night I received a call that a 31 year old father had a hart attack and is in the hospital. 5 months ago he was given 3 months to live. He has 5 small children including a set of twins that cannot walk yet. That will be the next thing on my list to do--to assess the situation and see what we can do to help them at this time. Please feel BIG HUGS from WA. But before assessing, I need to get down on my knees and plead for continued blessings for you and your dear family. WE LOVE YOU! Tamara and Richard

  3. Oh, Ceci, how I feel for you!!!! I wish I was there to have oreos and milk with you...and I think tears are God's wonderful way of helping us thru difficult times as well as the joyful times. Once again, your sweet sense of humor shines thru, bringing us smiles thru our tears. You are so very loved. Keep climbing. We'll keep praying. Much love, Kathy & Rexie

  4. Hey Ceci, you are still constantly in my prayers, although I am sure it doesn’t seem like it. I know it doesn’t help much, but I also praise God for you as well. You are such a role model to people like my Hannah, and even adults like me(feel free to insert the sarcastic, “you’re an adult line here”). Everyday dramas that most teenagers face, or the issues that us adults deal with, cannot possibly compare to your battles. I realize that it is not fair, and everyone knows this battle you are fighting is one you do not deserve, but I still praise God for how you handle things and the example you set. You have truly made a difference in my life. Keep your faith girl and keep Climbin! (I left the “g” off to give you a little Oklahoma feel)

    Lots of Love Bryan

  5. Hey Ceci!

    Well are just so brave!! You just go ahead and vent on the blog any time you need to. That's why we are all here..of course...because of you. We certainly don't experience the pain and suffering like you, but believe me, we think of you, pray for you, cry for you, smile for you...all right along with you! You keep climbing Ceci...and we'll be right there with you. We love you Ceci, and you'll be home again soon!!!!
    The McCords

  6. Well Ceci, I'll just cry right along with you. Not because I have anything majorly wrong going on right now, but because I feel for you. And I realize that I can't even come close to feeling the way you really feel, but please know that you are so special to me that it makes me happy when you're happy and it makes me sad when you're sad. Just keep believing and keep climbing. I know without a doubt that through your inspiring faith you have touched lives that no one else would have been able to. God has a plan! Love ya girl! Jena