Thursday, January 13, 2011

Swaying

It feels like a millenium since I have posted a blog! I love my blog and how it connects me with those of you reading, but there are times I feel like a chocolate mess; incapable of telling you how I feel. With that said, there is no excuse to leave you hanging. I want to update you where I left off...

The day after my biopsy I got a fever and was admitted. We also got news that the preliminary resutls of the biopsy showed "signs of suppressed cell lines". I shrugged it off. I was already drowning in emotion after being admitted. Little did I know everyone around me was losing sleep; afraid the MDS was back. About a week later, we asked if the final results had come in. Dr. Adams used the words, "perfect biopsy". We burst into tears. There was some miscommunication the first time we heard the news. The confusion lied in the fact that my marrow had 30% cellularity. That basically means there aren't as many cells as there should be. However, I am on immune suppression. DUH! No wonder there were signs of suppression. The doctors said eventually my marrrow will have a higher cellularity, not necessarily a normal level, but extremely healthy for what I've gone through. Praise the Lord. It's like I can breathe again. MDS is no longer my biggest fear. It is just a reminder that anything is possible.

Christmas and New Years were wonderful. I got released from the hospital the night before Christmas Eve. My family from Oklahoma and Missouri came for a visit. Plus my dear Allan came home from college. Christmas is my favorite holiday. There wasn't a day without laughter, dancing, too many carbs, and music. This year was special in the fact that one short year ago I was inside room 203 at Phoenix Children's Hospital receiving a second chance at life. It was also our first Christmas without my Granpda. It was a season full of gratitude, remembrance, and love.

I have been dealing with a lot of anger and resentment. I struggle with questions like "Why isn't this over?", "Why am I still in pain?", and a million others. I feel so guilty when I think how little my pain is compared to those who have lost their loved ones. However, I am learning that pain is pain, and in order to move on I have to embrace it. When I feel vulnerable, I turn away from my friends and family. I shut the world out and try and process it alone for fear of being weak. Each time I find that sometimes being strong means letting yourself feel vulnerable. No one can do it alone. (I hope this explains the unanswered texts, voicemails, and Facebook messages.) I could go from smiling to crying in an instant. I never expected the days after my transplant would be the most difficult. One day, I was fed up and I went shopping (masked of course). It was silly and rebellious. I loved every minute of it. All along, I've been waiting for everything to return to "normal". However, I am learning that we each take our own path and that there is beauty in each moment. "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

Here I am, swaying to the music.

10 comments:

  1. I love that quote :) And "Perfect biopsy" . . . One of the best phrases I've ever heard in my life, if not the best. I'm so glad you had a wonderful holiday. Your rebeling sounds fun! Know that I'm always here for you. There's no getting rid of me :) You're so strong and you are continuously in my thoughts and prayers.
    Love you lots and lots and lots,
    Karissa

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  2. Dear Ceci: It is good to hear from you. Everyone has their own battles in life to face, and the easiest way to fight them is when someone is standing beside you! Just remember that not only is Jesus with you always, but your family and friends are always there even when you need to be alone to sort things out for yourself!! May 2011 be a very blessed year for you! joe

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  3. Ceci, what a great blog and on Grandpa's birthday too. I would say I detected a little rebellion when you went shopping and loved every minute of it. When we haven't walked in your shoes we do not know how you feel,and if we will all admit it we all have rebellion in some area of our life. I love you. I told Tyler on his 21st birthday that I was so proud of him and what a privilege it was to have him as a Grandson and what a joy it is for you to be my grandaughter. the Lord has truly blessed my life and I give him Praise for it.

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  4. You truly an amazing person!

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  5. I love that quote!!! Its your time to dance in the rain baby!! Maybe even our shakira moves:) I am so glad you aren't in the hospital anymore and no more shutting people out! You aren't allowed anymore because you are going to give me that text. So I have decided that YOU are the bestfriend and you can't say anything to fight back. so ha! You really are the greatest in the entire world I love you so so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep climbing lovey

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  6. You're a great person, Ceci! Thanks for the blog! We all need to learn to dance in the rain more often!! Always praying for you, girl! Love ya, Jena

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  7. Thanks for sharing where you are at, Ceci. And for being so honest. Great news about the biopsy! Take care matey. xoxo Jules

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  8. Family, laughter, dancing, carbs and music---sounds wonderful!!! You are so very loved and you bring such joy to others--thank you for that. Thanks also for sharing your pain, anger and resentment--you are so very normal--we all have our spells of turning away. Praise the Lord, we do turn back--and when we do, He's always there as well as our family and friends. I love your quote. Thanks for encouraging all of us. May we all learn to dance in the rain. Much love, Kathy & Rexie

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  9. Yes one of the best quotes ever! I love you more than words can express and think about ya all the time. The struggles you're facing sometimes might knock you down but your not breaking!! And I was overwhelmed with excitement/joy when I heard of your perfect biopsy! :) definitely counting my many blessings, you being part of them!
    ~Corinne

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  10. Keep being honest w/us, Ceci. Share your experience - the way you're handling it is inspiring. In the moments you feel 'weakest' - I dare say - you're stronger than most of us at our best.

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