Thanksgiving Hope

The new medication ExJade makes me feel poorly. It hurts my stomach, gives me headaches, and makes me nauseous. Sounds like fun, right? We have backed down on the dose and kept a close eye on my counts.

It’s like I’ve started falling out of that good place I’ve been in. I was supposed to go visit Uncle Rick and Aunt Ro this Thanksgiving, but had to cancel plans because my hemoglobin dropped. Apparently, high cabin pressure and low hemoglobin are a nasty combination, so we stayed home instead. I’m tired, not feeling well, and bored. Allan has been so sweet. He has kept me entertained and laughing, renting movies, and watching TV marathons. However; it doesn’t make me forget what I was supposed to be doing or how I feel. I spent Thanksgiving day in my pajamas and Chelsea an Lexi were so kind to bring the feast to me.

I was flipping through a magazine and found an article about a man who had a transplant in 2010; since then he’s opened a fitness center, got engaged, was on the Amazing Race, training for a marathon, is tan and healthy, and has long curly hair. As I lay in bed single, weak, pale, short haired, and feeling poorly, I can’t help but wonder, why? Am I doing something wrong? I’m not saying I want to be engaged or on the Amazing Race, and everyone knows I will never be tan, but I just can’t help but feel like it’s my fault sometimes. I should mention he relapsed, so I’m so grateful to be where I am, instead of in his shoes, but it’s been a hard few days.

This Thanksgiving, I feel like I’ve lost my way a little. The list of the things I am thankful for is never ending. It includes family, friends, faith, life, and laughter, but at the same time I’m disappointed and in pain. It leaves me feeling kind of like a turkey that was shot at, but survived. I’m hobbling along wounded and tired, but mostly thankful that I’ll live to see another year.

However, the long week is behind me and I am surrounded by amazing people who cheer me up. Please watch this beautiful video Allan made. It started out as a school project and turned into so much more…things are looking HOPEFUL.